relationships, hypothetically speaking

There are so many messed up dating situations out there. As the years pass, the value and quality of relationships continue to go downhill. Let’s be honest, the world does not do a great job at portraying what a relationship is really supposed to be like. What if things were different than they are? Let’s get hypothetical here for a moment.

|what if people stopped rushing?|
“Oh my gosh I’m 18 and never dated anyone!” “Oh no, I’m 25 and not married!” Chill out! So many people are in a rush to get into a relationship. I don’t remember ever hearing of a rule book that states an age where you have to be in a relationship or married by. Everyone finds their “one” at different times in their life. Don’t try to rush it, or else you could ruin something that could’ve been good, or overlook something good that’s right in front of you.

|what if guys stepped it up and held the leadership position they are meant to have?|
I cannot begin to explain the multitude of relationships I have either witnessed or been a part of where the guy just doesn’t lead. He almost treats dating as a game. Gentlemen (and ladies if you would like), check out my friend Matt Swaringim’s blog. Leadership in relationships is this guy’s niche, and he knows what he’s talking about.

|what if girls stopped looking to guys to discover their self worth?|
It breaks my heart to see so many young ladies living as victims to insecurity. There are girls out there who are longing for male attention to make them feel better about themselves. Ladies need to realize that no guy determines their value or beauty. It’s time for girls to start loving themselves and grow in confidence. I highly recommend that every girl out there follows a lady named Kimberly Jones on Twitter (@RealTalkKim).

|what if people dated to “get to know” instead of to “get some?”|
The reasons for dating someone need to be evaluated. If you don’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone, what are you doing with them? Relationships are not a game. Take them seriously.

|what if people actually waited?|
Crazy thought: What if you didn’t sleep around? What if people took sexual purity seriously and didn’t have sex with every person they date? Crazier thought: What if people began to wait for their husband or wife? Think of all the regrets, hurt, and heartbreak that would be nonexistent!

|what if honesty was included?|
Too many people are trying to hide their past. I understand that the past is the past, but sometimes you just have to be upfront with the person you care about. Keeping things in the dark will never bring light to your relationship. The past is obviously not the only thing to be honest about. Make sure there is nothing hidden from your significant other. If you can’t be honest with them, then they aren’t the one for you.

|the challenge|
My challenge to you is this: Do not let the world tell you how to or how to not live your life. Have standards for your relationships.

relationship junkies.

It seems that some people are just never single. You know, that person who gets out of a relationship then three weeks later has already found someone else. They are always in some kind of relationship with someone. I like to call these people “relationship junkies.” What causes people to act this way though? What makes a relationship a “necessity” for them? As someone who’s been there, the answer is quite clear.

|the root of the junkie|
When a person feels the need to always be in a relationship, when someone cannot stand to be single, the primary reason is insecurity. A co-worker of mine, who I will call “Amy,” admitted to me that she would rather be miserable in a relationship than be single. She explained that she desired to always feel needed by someone. Amy even went so far to state that she would date a guy even if she knew it would never go anywhere. She would let him fill her “void” until someone new, or better in her opinion, came along.

Everyone likes to feel needed, but is bouncing from relationship to relationship the right way to fulfill this impulse? I don’t think there is anyone who does not have some kind of insecurity. You will never overcome that insecurity if you continue in an attempt to cover it up and pretend it’s not there. No guy or girl in the world can make it go away; it starts and ends with you.

|what’s the big deal?|
There are people who would argue that there is no problem with being in a multitude of relationships. It’s all “fun and games.” Right….I don’t think so. There are two main problems with the relationship junkie lifestyle. First off, you are setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak and no time to cope with it. I have met people who have been in two year relationships then a week after it has ended they are already pursuing someone else. I understand that no one wants to focus on or think about the gloominess that can follow a break up, but jumping to a new person is not a healthy distraction. If you come to someone with a broken heart expecting them to mend it, don’t expect that relationship to last long. Take the time to heal and get your mind clear. Secondly, if you are going from guy to guy, girl to girl, whatever, where are your standards? What are your judgements? Living a life without standards will set you up for a lot of failed relationships and regrets, and it will never lead you to the person you are truly supposed to be with.

|rules to live by|
Rule #1 – Learn to say no.
Despite somewhat popular belief, you do not have to say “yes” to every person who asks you out. You have to be honest with both yourself and the other person. Do not rush to be in a relationship.

Rule #2 – Don’t base your value off of your relationship status.
This tends to apply more to ladies than it does to guys. Ladies: You are beautiful. You can have guys tell you that left and right but it will never be enough if you do not believe it yourself. Stop looking down on yourself or despising the way you look. You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-16).

Rule #3 – Set standards and stick to them.
Solid standards will lead you to a solid relationship.
Boundaries are vital. Never settle. Never.

Rule #4 – Don’t jump in the water if you don’t know how to swim.
Ladies: Have your self-esteem in check before you get into a serious dating relationship. No guy wants a girl who constantly puts herself down.
Guys: Do not get into a relationship if you aren’t ready to properly lead. You have to step it up.

|the challenge|
My challenge to you is this: Do not be overpowered by your insecurities. Take relationships seriously. Never fall into the unhealthy lifestyle of the relationship junkie. You deserve better than that.

little four letter word.

There is one word that can turn someones day around. One word that could change things completely. This one four letter word has so much power in it. Well, at least it used to. Now, the meaning of love has began to dwindle away. It’s used so often in so many wrong ways that now it’s just another average word. “I love you” is a phrase that is thrown around far too often. What does it even mean anymore?

|the poorly portrayed picture|
About a month ago I was at a family party. My fifteen year old cousin came in and mentioned that he had a girlfriend now. When I asked what she was like, his response was “blonde and hot.” One of my other cousins jokingly asked him, “Are you in love?” My jaw about hit the floor when he said yes. He is fifteen, they had been dating for two weeks at the time, and he could not tell me anything about her other than the fact that she is supposedly “blonde” and “hot.” I asked how he knew he loved her, and he just gave me a blank stare then responded, “I don’t know. It’s what you’re supposed to say when you’re in a relationship, right?” (Wrong). Sadly, I cannot really lecture my cousin for thinking this way (even though I tried to), because this is the picture that society has painted for him. All of a sudden just having an “in a relationship” status qualifies two people to be in love with each other.

A fellow colleague of mine, whom I will call “Tom”, is a professional relationship junkie. It seems that he is never single; he always has a “significant other.” Back around September, Tom began dating this young lady. He said he loved her. She said she loved him. They both had the cute lovey dovey online comments about each other and took a million pictures. Everyone’s happy, right? Well, apparently not. They broke up in November and were both in a different relationship two weeks later. What happened to the “love?”

Is this really what society has come to? Are there no standards set to determine when two people are “in love” other than just having a “relationship” title? If so, then I don’t ever want a person to tell me “I love you.” If it’s been said to a multitude of other people from other relationships, what makes it so special? We have such a twisted view of what love truly is.

|the real deal|
This leads to the question: what is love? Not what is the messed up society definition of love, but what is the true, deep value that this word was meant to have? Dictionaries have multiple definitions, but I choose to define the pure meaning of love from a passage in the Bible.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails |1 Corinthians 13:4-8a|

Some people overlook this as “just another Bible verse.” But when you break it down, this passage paints the perfect picture of what love is. Here is a way of looking at it:

Love is when you are understanding. You are not too proud to admit that it is not all about yourself. You put the other person first, never doing anything for your own personal gain. You do not hold grudges with each other. You never raise your hand in anger or frustration. You give your full support and always keep the others best interest at heart. There is no room for jealousy because the trust is so strong. When times are rough, you find hope in knowing you have each other. Finally, nothing, absolutely nothing, can ever tear you apart. There is nothing too big that you cannot get through together.

If people would just begin to think of love in this way. If love could become a word that had a true, tangible meaning behind it, not just a word to get what you want from someone. If society could learn how precious the phrase “I love you is”, how powerful the word “love” itself is, then we would see a drastic change in the world.

|the challenge|
My challenge to you is this: watch what you say and say what you mean. Do not conform to the worldly interpretation of love, but instead discover the strength that true love really holds.

|p.s.|
Those of you who know Matt Swaringim (or those of you who don’t) might enjoy this. (: